Not a fortune teller

John Singer Sargent - El Jaleo

I have about a month until I get my first set of post-stage IV scans to see how things are going with my cancer and my treatments.  It will be the first real indication I have about how the Faslodex, with some assistance from the Lupron and Xgeva, is doing against my cancer.

In the meantime, of course, I'm continually focusing on every little thing to try and read it like tea leaves or the lines on my palm, looking for signs.  Wish I knew which one was the life line.

I do this even though I know looking for signs is completely useless.

My bones sometimes ache and my back or neck hurts.  It's a side effect of treatment, also not an uncommon thing for someone who's 44 not 24, but, at times I also worry that it's a sign that the cancer is spreading to more bones.  I try to remember which rib it was with mets.  I think about the neckbone that has cancer and wonder if it could be that.  Does Faslodex cause tumor flares before it gets to work?  What kind of timeframe would that be if it did?

I had a new cough about a week ago.  I sat there at work listening carefully and feeling better when I heard coworkers cough, too, because they aren't likely to have their nonexistent mets spread to their lungs, so maybe it's just a bug that's going through the office.  Or allergies.  Or part of the sore throat potential side-effect from one of my meds.  They say if it's cancer it will only get worse, not better.  It took a few days, but my cough is getting better.  Thank goodness.

The first two weeks after my first Xgeva shot I had vertigo most times when I shut my eyes.  Turns out it was a side effect of Xgeva that eventually went away.  But how cruel is that for a cancer medication to mimic a symptom of brain mets?

When I first was diagnosed with metastatic cancer, it was a strange relief not to have to wonder if every little thing was a sign that the cancer was back because, well, the cancer was back.

Turns out that relief was short lived. 

My mother sent me an article about a woman who is defying the odds and in her 3rd or 4th decade since being diagnosed with breast cancer mets.  I, unfortunately, recently read a different article written by the widower of a woman who lived only 8 months after her BC mets were discovered.  

I can't seem to help looking at these kinds of things trying very hard to see something in them that will tell me what my own future holds.  Some sort of similarity in the story I want to be, some kind of crucial difference in the story I wish I could forget about.  But you can't see what isn't there.  If the stories tell us anything, it's more about the crazy unpredictable nature of this disease.

And so, I try as best I can to remember that there will be plenty of time to worry about the bad stuff if bad stuff happens.  I tell myself that I'm getting the best medical care possible.  I remember that I'm doing all I can and I try very hard to let go and let God.

I wonder if it gets easier with time?  If my scans come back good, and the next set, and the set after that, will I start to be able to relax?  I have no idea, but I sincerely hope to be in a position to find out.

Like maybe in my 3rd or 4th decade from now, I'll update this post and let you know whether I'm still worrying.

In the meantime, I'll should probably try to stay away from runes and Magic 8 Balls.