So over this

I'm a little tired of cancer right now.

I'm tired of thinking about it.
I'm tired of worrying about it.
I'm tired of it being the first thing on my mind in the morning.
I'm tired of it being one of the last things I think about at night.
I'm tired of it being the reason I can't run.
I'm tired of it being the reason I must walk.
I'm tired of being stiff.
I'm tired of having hot flashes that never go away for good.
I'm tired of my hips hurting, presumably as a side effect from one cancer medicine or another.
I'm tired of wondering if my hips are really hurting as a side effect from one cancer medicine or another, or if it's cancer.
I'm actually just plain tired of cancer medicine, side effects be damned.
I'm tired of having short hair.
I'm tired of looking at myself and seeing scars and radiation damage.
I'm tired of wearing flat shoes.
I'm tired of wondering how many more summers, birthdays, hummingbirds, vacations, big dinners, holidays, firefly evenings, barbecued pineapples, and Wednesdays I'll have.
I'm tired of trying to live consciously and not waste too many moments.
I'm tired of thinking I should really do something important so there will be some kind of lasting meaning to my life and feeling like I'm "on the clock."
I'm tired of thinking that I should probably not stick my head out too much or say too much about what I want or hope for, in case when I'm not here it makes people feel bad.
I'm tired of thinking I should probably organize the photos and sort the junk in the basement in case it's too much for other people later.
I'm tired of wondering if my hair will ever get gray enough to dye.
I'm tired of being hopeful.
I'm tired of being cheerful.
I'm tired of not knowing what to say.
I'm tired of reading about cancer.
I'm tired of talking about cancer.
I'm tired of writing about cancer.
I'm tired of ignoring cancer.
I'm tired enough to be sick to death of hearing about people suffering and in pain from cancer.
I'm tired enough to be sick to death of hearing about people who died of cancer.
I'm tired enough to be sick to death of using phrases like, "sick to death" and then thinking about what "sick to death" really means.  Because cancer.
I'm tired of getting heart-wrenching mailings about events to raise money to cure cancer.
I'm tired of hearing heart-wrenching radio commercials about events to raise money to cure cancer.
I'm tired of having heart-wrenching thoughts about cancer.
I'm tired of knowing that if I'm not in church for a few weeks in a row people will assume that I'm near death.
I'm tired of feeling like if I'm doing well that people will start to wonder if I really have cancer or if it's really that bad.

I'm sure in a day or two I'll be back to cheery and hopeful and living full force.  Because that's what I do.

But I bet I'll still be tired of cancer.