My Aunt

Melozzo de Forli - from the Sacristy of St. Mark,
Basilica of Santa Casa, Loreto

Two weeks ago, my aunt died of ovarian cancer.  She was a lovely, lovely person and she died before her time.  I have no doubt that many people will miss her and the strength and grace she brought with her as she made her way about this world.
  
Her sister told me my Aunt mentioned me in her last days, I was touched when she told me and still now which it's making me tear up to think of i--she was that kind of a person and I think that shows a lot about how she lived her life, she was struggling and ill and she was still looking outward.

It's one of those strange ironies that funerals are often mixed with reunions, and loss gets mixed in with the joy of being together again, and this one was no exception.  It was sad that my Aunt wasn't there, it felt wrong.  Yet at the same time I had the joy of seeing wonderful family members I hadn't seen in a while and meet others I'd never met. Two of my cousins have babies now, and watching them play--both little boys are around 1 year old and cute as can be--seemed especially important at a time like that. We've never lived very close by, but I remember my Aunt teaching my own daughter a song with arm motions at that age, I remember her teaching me to say "cookie" in Spanish when I was only a little older, myself, and watching these beautiful little boys of her family, one her own grandson, exploring the world around them felt like a fitting tribute.

I also had the pleasure of meeting the in-laws of one of my cousins, one of the daughters of my Aunt who passed away.  Her in-laws are very special people who have been helping out when they could during my Aunt's rough last 6 months, cooking and coordinating and just generally taking care of things where possible without the slightest bit of "look what we're doing!" or "what about us?"  They're like my own in-laws that way, so I can confidently say that people like that are truly a blessing.

I was thinking about them during my walk today.  How easy it is for people to get caught up in feeling like you need to make a grand gesture.  And how easy it is to get caught up in trying to be careful not to say or do the wrong thing.  And how both of those can make you so paralyzed by the weight of them that you end up doing nothing.  I know this because I struggle with both tendencies.

But the truth is, most of the time it isn't the grand gestures or the perfectly done things that matter, it's being there and giving of yourself and trying.  The fact that these in-laws were great cooks and delightful to be around was beside the point.  It was the pure, simple beauty of people doing what they could do to help and comfort in the middle of an unchangeable and difficult situation.

And I'll tell you, I've had people who helped me through some of my difficult times with my own cancer and an unsolicited meal brought over with love, or an offer for a ride "anytime" that really meant anytime, or a card saying "we're thinking of you" meant everything.  And that had nothing at all to do with whether the meal was delicious or how nice the car was or how eloquently phrased  were the words on a card. It had everything to do with making that connection and saying, or showing, that you care.

People say, "It's the thought that counts" and in matters of feelings and caring, I believe it's true.  Maybe not always true--I'm sure there are some people out there who are looking for stuff or looking to be haters--but when it matters I believe it's completely true.  You can bank on that.

I wish it were true for the physical world.  My Aunt was a person of grace and class and kindness.  She was someone who took care of herself, exercised, saw doctors when needed.  She had a loving family who will miss her terribly and a grandson not quite 1 year old who she won't be able to see grow up.  She deserved things to be different.  If intentions were what counted in the physical world, if being needed was what killed cancer cells and doing all the right things was enough to always bring good health, her family and friends would not have been at her funeral last weekend.

I think most of us know that in healthcare, having a good excuse isn't the same as doing the right things, but it's hard to wrap your head around the fact that even doing the right things doesn't always mean the right outcomes.

My Aunt had a hard time of it over the last several months and in some ways, her sister and immediate family say, that made it easier to say good-bye when the time came.  Knowing that she was now in peace and no longer in pain was a blessing, despite how much they would have liked it to have come about in a better way.  She was also a woman of strong faith, and it's easy to see her watching over her loved ones now from above, like people say, a special guardian angel.

I wish I had eloquent words, special powers, or a better ability to say here what she deserves to have said.  My Uncle did a wonderful job on her eulogy, his eloquent words were beautiful and fitting for the beautiful woman she was.

I wish I could return the favor for the example she set in how she lived her life.  I don't have grand gestures or perfection to offer.  So what I hope is that everyone reading this will understand what I'm trying to say, and maybe take a minute to say prayers, or think warm thoughts, or whatever you have to offer to her husband, her daughters, and the memory of a lovely woman who lived life with courage and grace.