And now for something completely different....

This post is not about how I found out I had cancer.

I was planning on putting those posts together in order, getting it all down and sort of setting the stage for how I got to where I am today.  But honestly?  Even this much later, it's hard to revisit.

I feel like it's important to get it all down for my own reference as those early days get smaller and smaller in my rear view mirror, but also in the off chance that someone else is going through it who happens upon my blog and can benefit from my story.

But as I get closer to those early days of diagnosis up to surgery, the more I want to once again make it all go away.

I guess the good news is, with time and my doctors, I did make it all go away (ha!).  Those days are, fortunately, a year and a half behind me now.  And, while at the time I wasn't entirely sure I'd ever have another day where I didn't feel that creeping, clawing shadow of panic in the pit of my stomach lurking around all of the time, I'm happy to report that it's mostly a memory.

Strangely enough, even the times I've been afraid the cancer beast was back and I'd be fighting stage IV, there's been panic, but not the same deep-seated fear that I felt when I first found out.  I know I could still surprise myself, but I think maybe I've been on this cancer train long enough to get used to it, long enough to know there's a lot of stuff to throw at the monster before you're completely out of ammo, and long enough to know that I have allies who are ready and willing to help me get through what I need to get through (in no particular order: my family, my friends, my God, my church, my doctors).

And, even though I don't want to think about it, that means even helping me get through an ending that comes much sooner than I'd like it to.

But, yeah, that would suck, so I hope it doesn't work out that way!

So, like I said, going back in time is hard, and I'm taking a little break from it for now.  Life right now is very good.  I'm feeling well, loving my daughter, stepkids, and husband, living like a totally normal person, and only occasionally worrying about the cancer making an encore appearance.

I wish I could go back and tell myself that it would get to be this way again, but the best I can do is tell myself now, and, if you, my reader, happen to be in the beginning of this journey, tell you: there will be days where breathe and sleep and laugh like normal again, whole weeks where you don't worry about leaving your family to fend for themselves without you, long stretches where you don't look at everything you see through the lens of wondering if you'll live long enough to see how it ends, and even times when you will procrastinate and waste time doing silly stuff (or even stupid stuff) without feeling like you're blowing what little time you have.

I probably wouldn't have believed me if I could go back and tell myself that, but I swear it, it's all true.