Why write?

My husband told me yesterday that my blog actually surprised him a bit.  I talk about cancer (some) and we're both very aware (of course) of what happened and what could have happened and what could still happen, but I tend to think about these things a lot when I'm driving or when the house is quiet, so it turns out he was unaware of how much and how deeply I still think about some of the issues surrounding my cancer.

I've heard people say that the aftermath of cancer for survivors is, or can be, like PTSD.  For me and my experience, that's a little too over the top--based on my experience alone, it feels disrespectful of soldiers and people who have been through disasters and struggle with PTSD, but I can't claim to speak for every woman or understand every survivor's experience, and I'm willing to believe it could be that way for some people.  But, even though I have reservations about PTSD here, I think there is a kernel of truth in that even when the cancer is dealt with, the experience does tend to stay in your head, and that can be difficult.

Part of what I'm trying to do with my blogging is work through some of the issues, put down what's swimming around in my head and force myself to not just think about it but think it through--putting it down "on paper" helps me gather up the snarled thoughts and ideas and give them some order, work them out and then really look at them in a way that's clearer in print than it was when they were free to zing about pell-mell inside my head.

Another thing I'm hoping to do is put some of this to rest and clear some space in my head for other things.  I like to write and not that long ago I was going great guns writing stories that had nothing at all to do with cancer.  But since the last two metastasis scares, it's felt all but impossible to just sit down and work on writing anything vaguely creative.  Heck, right now it's even hard to get myself to sit down and read a book, and I like to read.   The worst thing is that I've been working on a story that my daughter is particularly interested in and each time I'm afraid the cancer is back, one of the sad things that goes through my mind is, "Will I even have the time to finish that story or will I leave my baby girl motherless and never knowing how it ends?" (Yes, my internal voice is that much over the top).  And yet, even though the crisis has again passed, I'm still having the worst time settling down to focus on writing.  I haven't put a single word to a single piece of fiction in months.  And that upsets me.  I'm hoping that by putting some of these cancer thoughts down here, my mind will be able to escape cancer thoughts a little bit more and make some room for other things.

Picasso's version of Don Quixote

Another reason I'm writing this is that in real life, I hate to upset people and arguing my points tends to upset me.  But this little piece of blog is my own so I feel a bit freer to say things that could possibly inspire battle lines to be drawn.  Also, sometimes I read things about cancer that I would really like to preach on, but I know my going off full tilt Don Quixote-style (a.k.a. you're going down, windmills) to make my point isn't actually going to do much but upset me and (usually) convince the other person to write me off.  But this is my blog and my space and it's a place I can send my ranting out into the universe.  If my posts come across as preachy, my apologies, it's just that some of what I write comes from things I preach about in my own head--gosh, that doesn't sound whacked out at all, does it?

My final reason for blogging is that I think sharing my story may be useful or even interesting for other women in these shoes.  When I found out I had cancer, one of the things that helped me get through it was reading some blogs from others who'd been there, done that.  Even when I disagree with some of what a blogger writes, I find it interesting to see how other people think and clarify why I feel the way I do (or at least it's that way after I get over my inner, "How can you think that way?"--see preaching, above).  I'm not a much of a joiner and, especially when cancer was hogging so much of my time, I most times prefer a nice evening at home with my family than attending meetings or groups.  I never went to a "Look Good Feel Better" session and I've never attended a support group, but reading forums and blogs gave me a connection that I needed, but in a way that fit myself and my life.

I read an article a few months ago in Johns Hopkins Breast Cancer Journal from September, called Chronicling Cancer Experience Online Can Reduce Depressive Symptoms in Breast Cancer Patients and it's interesting to me because they talk about blogging and connecting electronically and how women with breast cancer who did that had lower rates of depression.  Not sure I would have guessed that, exactly, but I think it makes sense and in some ways, when you get down to it, that's part of why I've started doing this.

I'm finding blogging a good thing and I have so many topics I want to write on, so right now I'm really dedicated to it.  However, I feel like I should issue fair warning that I do have a long and storied history of starting projects guns blazing and then running out of steam.  I don't feel like that right now, but I know it may come to that at some point--I hope not, but that's something I see in myself from time to time.  Or, I may come to a time when I've said all I need to say and I just want to move a few steps away from the cancer again.  In some ways I hope that does happen eventually, moving on would be a positive sign.  But if this blog can do the work I need it to before than, I'll still consider it time well spent, and I hope you will, too.

Thank you for being my reader and joining my on this journey.